My Recent Life and Michael J. Fox

    Uh well, what..it's been 5 years since I add any new entry into this blog. And so many things happened since. Now I am a master student, not so long ago I had graduated from my bachelor's and graduated with honor. Life's been good, so many ups and downs, but overall good.

    This is my first attempt to write my blog entry in English. So pardon me if there are some grammatical errors (oh please, give me a break!)

    Recently, (take it..mm, a month since), I was so into this actor named Michael J. Fox. And as you may suspect, no... I didn't become a fangirl of him right after I watch Back to The Future trilogy. I admit he was stellar in that movies as the legendary Marty McFly, but I got into him after watching his not-so-famous movie called Casualties of War, which I stumbled into because I was interested in the war genre (I didn't even know he was in there). What drew me into him was his acting. He was so convincing playing this brave innocent private named Eriksson who had to stand against his other 4 "friends" who just kidnap and raped a Vietnamese and then killed her to hide their crime. Btw, it was based on a true story, so it was hella heartbreaking and so disturbing (for the full story just read this Newyorker's article about it: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1969/10/18/casualties-of-war)

 

Eriksson was the only one who took care of this girl wtf..

     Well, in the end, the girl died killed by the other four men and Eriksson took it deeply and felt like he failed and thus from that on becoming haunted by this failure. It was this particular scene when Eriksson confessed in tears to some military preacher, and J. Fox's acting punches me in the gut.

"We went on a long patrol, sir, and we kidnapped a girl from the village. The other four men raped her, and they murdered her, and I failed, sir... to stop them."

     After that scene, I was like, "Damn, where tf I've been, J.Fox acting was that good! Far away from his boyish persona as his iconic role, Marty McFly"

    Thus begin my deep digging into this actor. And what amazed me most, is not just his capability of acting, but the fact that in real life he is such a remarkable man. Battling with his Parkinson's disease while operating his Michael J. Fox Foundation, his love for family and wife, Tracy Pollan, whom he married for 30+ years (you gotta admit, this long marriage is super rare in Hollywood), and of course his humor. You can see all of this trait better if you read his books (I have!), from Lucky Man, Always Looking Up, and A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Future. Well, I just started Always Looking Up, but that's another story for another day.

Ah, this cutie patooties

    And I downloaded almost all his movies. My favorite would be (other than Casualties of War and BTTF Trilogy) was Bright Lights Big City, Doc Hollywood, The Hard Way, Greedy, and The Frighteners. But my favorite role of his was definitely as Alex P. Keaton from 80's sitcom, Family Ties. I can't believe I said this, I am in love with a Republican!

    Alex P. Keaton was a narcissist, super-smart boy, his love of money beating all the kind of love you can mention...but he's a family man, a good brother, a good son, and had this sarcastic kind of humor that will make you cackle. You'll love him, I bet!

    By the time I wrote this, I am still on season 3. And there were already episodes that deeply impact me. The first was on Season 3 Episode 3, Little Man on Campus. Why? This scene was the reason, when Alex, a straight-A student was in his first days of college, he received, shockingly..even to his parents, an F for his essay he worked hard on. He decided to drop the class because he felt that he couldn't meet the professor's expectations. And this was what happened next after he uttered his desire to drop the class to his professor and his Prof gave some insight into why he gave Alex an F for his work. And after debating whether or not Alex agrees with the imprisonment of a public figure for uttering freedom of speech, these conversations follow...

Prof: "You disagree with Oliver Wendell Holmes, one of the most brilliant legal minds in history."

Alex: "No."

Prof: "Yes, you do! You just said so! You disagree with him!"

Alex: "All right! I disagree with him. What do you want from me?"

Prof: "What I want from you, Mr. Keaton, is for you to put some of that kind of analysis, some of that kind of meaningful insight into your essays. I want you to stand up for what you believe to be true, even if it conflicts with Oliver Wendell Holmes or with the Framers of the Constitution, or even with me. You have every right to drop this class, Mr. Keaton, stick to those subjects where you're more comfortable and on surer ground. Although, I must say, that's a rather dull way for such an intelligent young man to live his life." 

    That scene holds a special place in my heart because, same as Alex, I am a college student who also had so many failures. I felt dumb, I felt desperate, and I felt like I didn't belong and all was just a waste of time. Sometimes I just wish I quit to something that is more in my area and passion (I always want to go to med school or maybe study English literature, but guess what, I got into science and Engineering which kinda hell). But yea, life doesn't work that way. You can not get everything that you've ever wanted. Sometimes you get something beyond your expectations and out of the trail, sometimes you get some nasty pill that you just have to swallow.  But like Alex, I am no quitter. I was whining all the time, but I got myself to the finish line. Deep down, I was a fighter all along.

    Next, was also in Season 3, but in episode 7, titled Hotline Fever. Again, Alex P. Keaton, an economics major, had to get some credits for the humanities course by doing some social works. He chooses to be an operator with his childhood nemesis at the counseling hotline. At night, his friend and him receive a phone call from a student who wants to do suicide. At first, Alex followed the counseling guidebook, but the caller demanded that Alex should be himself and sharing his fears. Alex at first masked his fear with this bravado persona, but realized that there was a life at stake here, finally succumbed to the caller's demand. I am not lying when Alex shared what he fears most, I shed some tears cause again, I relate to him so much.

Alex: "Yeah. Yeah, I do. I get scared." 

Caller: "When?"

Alex: "Uh, mostly at night. You know, when the...When the house is real quiet. And I start thinking about my future. I, uh...I do. I get scared."

Caller: "Why should that scare you? You told me you've always succeeded in everything."

 Alex: "I have. And, uh, that's why I get scared. You know, because I'm afraid I might fail. And, uh...And, if I fail, I don't know how I'd handle it. So I can't let myself fail. I keep pushing myself to do better and better, and I keep trying harder and harder. And I'm afraid that if I stop... Uh, I'm sorry."

Caller: "No, no, go on. What...? What are you afraid of?"

 Alex: "I'm, uh, afraid that if I slow down and, uh, I stop being the best and the brightest, and, uh, the wittiest that, uh...I'll be nothing." 

    So, you'll see why those dialogues broke me down. I am that someone who is constantly being afraid of failure. Although I have experienced some of it myself, I always ask myself, "Ok, what's next?", "Until when do I have to suffer?", "Can I guarantee myself that I can overcome this as before?". All those questions bombarded me over and over. I try to do everything to not fail, and of course, that is impossible. Sooner or later I have to experience some kind of failures and rejections in the future, and I have to face those possibilities, and that damn sure terrifies me.

Alex doing counselling over phone

    That kind of thinking crippled me in the final semesters of my bachelor's. At the stress of several final projects and also worked on my final thesis, all the failures in the past resurfaces again (at the top of it, failing to enter med school and stranded on this engineering stuffs that I hate). I remember maybe I was in that condition for at least 1.5 years. I was never clinically diagnosed, but I was quite sure I was experiencing symptoms of depression. I lost all appetites for my hobbies, constantly feared about my future because I have no idea what I want to do next (looking for a job suitable with my education? You kidding me, I hate what I learn at college!). At some points who terrified me most, I was almost suicidal. Thinking about death on many occasions, felt hopeless about my future and better to end it all, felt numb. Damn it, I even took a kitchen knife at some mid-nights. Couldn't do self-harming (thank God for that!), I just smashed it so hard against the floor until the blade separated from the handle. Then I cried and cried. I was lucky my dad woke up and I told him everything that bothers my mind that night. I was saved. Just like the caller who called Alex.

    Now I am in a good place, I hope. Though I am stressing again from my master thesis, I have matured so much in mind and soul so that I won't let any dark thoughts overpower me again. Sure, I am struggling. But I survived before, I can survive this too. Also, now I got some coping mechanisms whenever those dark thoughts emerging. I cried, but most of the time I just pause everything and turns into books (J. Fox's books were goddamn motivational) or turn on Family Ties. It helps, maybe for a while but it works!

    I am writing this in gibberish but I don't give any damn (it's not like anyone reading this and I have no intention to promote this blog 😄). I need to vent this feeling over Michael J. Fox while also give an update about things that I should write a long long time ago. To close this writing, I would like to quote J. Fox from his book, A Funny Thing Happened On The Way to The Future, 

"It will take time, but you'll find that even the gravest problems are finite -- and that your choices are infinite"